The Elusive Stork

Question...

2008-05-06T16:00:00.002-04:00

For those of you who have adopted and have an open/semi-open arrangement with the birthparents...do you do anything to commemorate Mother's Day for the birth/first mother? I am really struggling with it? I don't know if she would appreciate it or if it would just be too hard...

If you are the praying kind...

2008-04-09T11:25:00.003-04:00

My dear friends that I spoke of in my previous post could both use some positive thoughts and prayers this week.

My friend, E, delivered her twin girls at slightly over 33 weeks on Sunday. The girls are doing really great, but they will be in the NICU for a couple of weeks or more. It has to be so hard to leave the hospital without the babies you have waited so long for.

My friend, L, is in a bit of a holding pattern with an opportunity at the adoption agency. The whole waiting game is just so anxiety provoking and can take such a toll on you - both physically and emotionally. Hopefully all will work out and they will be bringing home a very sweet little boy some time in the next couple of weeks.

Miscellaneous Ramblings...

2008-04-01T09:29:00.002-04:00

See, I am getting better about this! Posting two days in a row, aren't you proud?? There are many topics to cover since I am such a slacker!

First and foremost our precious little Addie. Can you believe that she is already 5 months old?? I don't know where the time has gone. Part of me is so excited to watch her grow and the other part of me wants her to stay this little and innocent forever. A sure sign that she is growing up? As of today she is no longer the youngest infant in her class at daycare :-( I don't know why, but that makes me really sad. She has started eating baby food. So far she likes bananas, peaches, sweet potatoes, and carrots. Last night I broke down and tried some of the "green" stuff - I'm sorry, but that just about made me gag! Well low and behold - she liked it! Maybe that fact that she doesn't have my genes is good in this case. Meat and potatoes are more my thing, but I have branched out some. After 3 ear infections, resistent to antibiotics, in just 6 weeks, we decided tubes were the right way to go. We are lucky in the fact that I work for a major health system and that I work directly with the ENT physician who did her surgery. It really put me at ease to know what good hands she was in. All in all she did good, although coming out of the anesthesia was a different story. She screamed for about 2 hours straight. Yes, it just about broke my heart. The day of the surgery she was pretty puny, but the next day she was like a whole new child. She "talks" so much more now - yeah, probably because she can actually hear! It really makes me feel like we made the right decision. Addie is such a great child and is starting to develop such a cute little personality. We could just sit and stare at her for hours (and often do). Life has a whole different meaning now that she is part of it.

Infertility will always be a part of my life. Sometimes it rears its ugly head when I least expect it. As much as my life has changed, that pain will always be there in some form and I will never forget what it is like to "be in the trenches". My pep talk for those of you still fighting the fight, don't ever give up on your dream! If it is what you want, you will get there...it just may not necessarily be the path you expected to take. While I was always open to the idea of adoption, I truly never thought it would get to that point. We had decided on at least 3 IVF cycles, of course at least one of them had to work. Two positive pregnancy tests, of course one of them had to stick. Well we all know how that turned out. Everything happens for a reason, I am now a firm believer in that. October is a very significant month for us - it is the month where I had my first miscarriage (twins) - it is the month that I would have been due had the second pregnancy stuck - and it is the month that we became a "Forever Family" when we brought our sweet little girl home.

What helped me immensely to get through the difficult times was to participate in a local Mind/Body group that is based off of the book Conquering Infertility by Alice Domar, PhD. I can't recommend this enough! Through it I learned to deal with stress much better than I ever had before and I formed an amazing friendship with two of the women I met in that class. It helps to have other women close to you going through the same thing that you can really talk to, cry to, yell to, vent to...it is true that while people not having experienced the joys of IF, can be very sympathetic - they can just never understand fully what you are dealing with. I would have never made it through some of my darkest times without these two women. To my surprise, the leader of our Mind/Body group contacted me last week and has asked my husband and I to come and speak to her new group about our experience with adoption. Wow, how weird it will feel to be on the other side! I remember so clearly sitting in their seats almost a year ago and looking at the couple that spoke to us, wondering if I would ever get there. While I do feel honored that she asked us, I also feel that it is a great responsibility - will I say the right thing? will I convey to them that I do know how it feels...I haven't forgotten what it's like? what will they think of the choices we made/or didn't make? Overall though, I am very excited about speaking to the group. I want them to know and see that there will be a happy ending.

Wow, I had a completely different direction for this post than where it ended up...but again, that is just one of those things IF does to you I guess?

5 Months Old!

2008-03-31T11:31:00.002-04:00

I really have to do better about getting these posts up!! I have good intentions, really I do...life just gets in the way sometimes. Being a new mom is so much fun, but doesn't leave a lot of free time. Of course I wouldn't have it any other way!!

Here is our big girl...

My little "lady"...

2008-02-25T14:08:00.003-05:00

Last night we were shopping at Babies-R-Us for a friend's shower this weekend. A very cute couple with their little "gun" in hand stopped us to debate the finer qualities of the Diaper Genie versus the Diaper Champ. They were obviously going to be first time parents and both of them had that "deer in headlights" expression trying to decide what to register for. My advice - take someone with you who has done it before! I would have never made it through that store alive otherwise. But, I digress...back to the point of my story. The mom-to-be was looking at Addie and saying how beautiful she is. Addie is looking right back at her and giving that gorgeous smile of hers when all of a sudden I hear a very loud, adult sized, fart. Addie looked at me with a look of "surprise" on her face quickly followed by another little grin that said "whew, I sure do feel better". Mom-to-be didn't know what to say, of course my comeback was...see what you have to look forward to? Hunter would have been so proud...

Such a big girl!!

2008-02-20T15:40:00.003-05:00

Addie Grace is now 4 months old! As I have said many times, where does the time go?? She had her 4 month check-up today and she now weighs 13 ½ lbs and is 23 3/4 inches long - still under the 50th percentile for height and weight, but she is growing steadily - just a little on the petite side. The pediatrician said she is just perfect, which we already knew ;-) Okay, so we are biased!

She seems to learn something new every day. She is rolling over now, has
discovered her little "pigs", is pushing up during "tummy time", wants to
put everything in her mouth, and is definitely developing her little
personality more and more. She loves her daddy and thinks he is just the
funniest thing, especially when they go on a "drive".

Can't wait to see what new and exciting thing tomorrow brings!

Addie's Birthparents

2008-02-19T14:33:00.004-05:00

So, I realize I left out a lot of detail about Addie's birthparents when I finally got around to posting her adoption story, but after the events of this past weekend I feel that I need to share more about them and how/why we have now switched to an open adoption (something I said I never wanted).

At our agency the adoptive parents typically meet with the birthmother prior to being matched which occurs prior to the baby's birth. Addie's birthmother ended up delivering earlier than expected so our "match" process happened kind of backwards. When the email came out that Addie was available all we knew about the birthparents was that they were a young couple (19 & 20), had been dating for approximately 2 years, the birthmother (A) had taken a year off from college to work and save money, and the birthfather (J) was working as a waiter and going to community college. They both lived at home with their parents, who didn't know that A was pregnant (what?? don't you think you would notice that???). To their credit A only gained 20 lbs during the entire pregnancy and didn't know herself that she was pregnant until she was already 25 weeks (again, I find that hard to believe...but I have heard that it happens). At this point in their lives they just weren't prepared emotionally or financially to parent a child. I admire them for recognizing that they weren't and for making a birth plan for their child. A & J had selected us from all the profiles that they had reviewed and the night that the adoption counselor called us to tell us we had been chosen, Hunter got to talk to J. They had a great conversation and hit it off right away. After the placement it was decided that we would have a belated "match" meeting with A & J and that we would take Addie with us. At the time of the match meeting, Addie had been home with us for 2 weeks. The day of the meeting I was so nervous I literally thought I was going to be sick. I really wanted them to like us. We met at a restaurant and from the time they walked up I just wanted to grab them both and smother them with hugs and kisses to tell them how thankful I was for the gift that they gave us. The meeting went great and the conversation really flowed. We ended up have a lot of things in common - hobbies, values, tastes in music, etc. They were just the cutest couple, but I have to say they seemed more immature than I remember being at their age - although now I can chalk that up to nerves. I offered to let them hold Addie and it just about ripped my heart out to hand her over to them. My heart was breaking for them, I can't imagine ever giving my child away. I know that our circumstances are very different and we have wanted a baby for so long. We did get them a little gift - a weekend away at a beach close by and we got A a necklace with an opal charm on it (October's birthstone). I mean what do you get for someone who has given you the gift of a life?? At the end of the meeting I was an emotional wreck, but A held it together very well. I was so glad that we met them and knew that I will be able to tell Addie all about them some day.

In November our adoption agency hosts a potluck/holiday gathering for all the past placed adoptive parents and current waiting parents. It was a lot of fun and we got to have Addie's first picture taken with Santa.

The main point of this is to tell you (sorry, I tend to get long-winded...I think it comes from Hunter) that we saw our adoption counselor there who had a letter for us from A & J. It was so very sweet and talked about how after meeting us that they knew they had picked the right parents for Addie. They also included A's ultrasound pictures. I still can't believe how incredibly thoughtful that was of them.

Our initial arrangement with them was a semi-open adoption which meant that Hunter and I would send letters and pictures on an agreed upon schedule through the agency so that A & J could have them if they chose. I was never very comfortable with the thought on a fully open adoption, I don't know why...maybe it is the selfishness in me that wanted Addie all to ourselves, maybe I was scared that if Addie knew her birthparents that that would somehow change her relationship with us...I really don't know.

There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of A & J and what a wonderful gift they give us, but beyond that I wonder how they are doing, has A gone back to school, how is she coping with the whole situation, has her relationship with J suffered at all or are they still as in love as ever? Part of me really wanted to keep in touch with them and wanted Addie to know how much A & J really love her and what they did so that she could have a better life.

Early in January our adoption counselor called to tell me that she had been talking with A and that she had requested another visit with us and Addie. She still didn't feel like she had closure. My immediate thought was, no - Addie is ours, no one can take her from us. But once that initial thought passed and I verified that legally even if she did change her mind, there is nothing that can be done at this point - I was excited at the thought of seeing them again. That brings us to this past weekend and our second meeting with J & A. I wasn't nervous at all, I was really excited. I got Addie all dressed up, she had to look her best! As soon as we saw them it was like running into old friends. I gave them both a big hug and the conversation just flowed from there. We talked a lot about Addie, but we also talked a lot about our lives. They asked us a lot of questions about what we were like when we were their age and we in turn asked them about what their plans are and what they want out of life. They held Addie and called us "Mommy and Daddy" - I felt very weird and comforted by that all at the same time. They also brought us the sweetest gift, a framed and matted picture of Addie right after she was born in the hospital. There were several tears shed by both A and I at this visit. We talked about how we want to communicate in the future and decided that we did want an open adoption after all. I don't really know what all that means right now, but they do have our email address and a telephone number where they can call and check on Addie and we can keep up with how they are doing. As far as more visits, I guess we will just play that one by ear. Addie will truly know how much we both love her and care for her and I think that through our love for Addie we have a deep respect and love for A & J as well. I am so thankful that God has brought them back into our lives and really couldn't ask for a better situation. I hope that if they do get married one day that they invite us to the wedding. They will always hold a special place in our hearts.

North Carolina Bloggers Unite!

2008-02-15T13:53:00.005-05:00

For all of you North Carolina Bloggers, stop over and see JJ - hopefully you will join us!!

What a difference a year makes...

2008-02-14T14:18:00.004-05:00

Everything happens for a reason, or so I have always been told. Now, I am a firm believer in that philosophy. Last year on Valentine's Day I was in beta hell from IVF#2. My levels had risen just enough to keep me hoping that it may actually work out, only to have that elusive stork once again laugh right in our faces and fly away. I never thought I would be thanking that stork, but here I am today saying "Thank You". Now, a year later, check out our sweet little Valentine (although not looking so little in this picture!). She is the light of our lives. Believe it or not all that hurt, pain, and disappointment we felt just a year ago seems like nothing more than a bad dream. I can't believe she will be 4 months old next week!

Happy Valentine's Day to you all!!!

Finally - Our Adoption Story

2008-01-29T15:11:00.001-05:00

Yes, it has taken me WAY too long to actually get this post together. Needless to say, our lives have changed dramatically over the last 3 1/2 months.

Hunter and I always knew that if we were unable to have a biological child through treatment that we would definitely adopt. So, after our final failed cycle in May we signed with a wonderful local agency, A Child's Hope in June . We were immediately matched with our social worker and had our first homestudy visit with her on July 9. I was a bundle of nerves - believe my house had NEVER been so clean!! Luckily she put us at ease right away and was so easy to talk to...contrary to my initial belief, she really wasn't looking for anything wrong with us - she really wanted us to be parents. The most daunting part of the whole process had to be gathering all of the paperwork. We had to have birth certificates, police records (no there weren't any, but you still had to have something official stating that), financial statements, recommendations, physical forms from the doctor, and on, and on. On July 20 we went to our first parenting class with the agency. It wasn't really a class on parenting so much as it was a class on the whole adoption process and what to expect. When it got time to do the "role-play" match meeting with the birthmother Hunter and I were chosen. Luckily he didn't embarrass me too much ;-) As much as I dreaded it, it was really great practice...even though we didn't end up having a traditional match meeting. After our class we had our final 3 meetings with our social worker. I think she knows pretty much everything there is to know about both of us - even the embarrassing stuff. I have said this before and I will say it again - if everyone had to go through this process to have a baby, there would be a lot less unplanned pregnancies in the world. Once we got our final homestudy report we went live on the website in August. That was the point where I started to get a little antsy. In reality I knew that it would likely be at least a year before we were bringing a little one home, but I also knew that there was that slim chance that we could get a call any day. There were several opportunities that we were interested in in August and September, but as expected, none of those panned out.

So, on Saturday, October 20 Hunter and I were being lazy watching NC State lose yet another football game and my crackberry (as Hunter likes to call it) vibrated to let me know I had a new email. I felt a funny feeling in my stomach as I saw an email from A Child's Hope titled "Last Minute Opportunity". This situation couldn't have sounded more perfect - a baby girl born on Friday, October 19 in excellent health. The birthparents had called the agency just the week before and was scheduled to meet with the adoption counselor the Friday that she ended up being induced due to pre-eclampsia. Hunter and I knew that this was a situation that sounded too good to be true and that another family who had been waiting longer would probably be picked, but we still responded that we would like to have our profile shown. Over the next couple of days neither of us could get our minds off of the little baby girl that we knew was waiting to go to a new family. By Tuesday, I was really bummed that we hadn't gotten a call and thought surely the birthparents had picked another family. Tuesday on my way home from work I called my good friend Stephanie and asked if she, her husband, and 2 beautiful daughters wanted to go to dinner with us. I needed some cheering up and something to take my mind off of what I thought was yet another rejection. Halfway through dinner Hunter's phone rang and I heard him say "Yes mam" and give me a really funny look. Right then I knew it was "the call". We both ran outside so we could talk to the adoption counselor and sure enough she said that the birthparents had chosen us!!!! I could hardly contain myself, I was laughing and crying all at the same time. Hunter actually got to talk with the birthfather - they were really excited at how excited we were. We went back into the restaurant trying to keep a straight face, but as soon as they saw us they knew that it was the call we had been waiting on. We had wanted to keep it a secret because we knew that even though we had been picked, it was by no means a "done deal". In North Carolina the birthparents have 7 days to change their minds after they have signed the termination papers. We did call our parents and give them the good news - they may have disowned us otherwise! Can I just tell you - we had absolutely nothing! The room that was going to be the nursery was in shambles (Hunter had scrapped the popcorn off the ceiling). Since it was still not a "sure thing" we hated to go buy too much in case it fell through. I knew I couldn't sit there and look at it, if it didn't work out. We didn't get much sleep and during the day there was no way I could concentrate at work. I avoided my friends like the plague. I knew if I talked to them they would be able to tell that something was up. I must have called the adoption counselor about a dozen times just to check in and see if she had heard anything. She was probably ready to block my number! Finally Tuesday, October 30 came. I think I got up at about 5 in the morning. Our adoption counselor called bright and early to say congratulations and she emailed us a picture of our beautiful daughter. It was finally happening. After all the heartache and waiting we knew there was one very special reason that made it all worth it - her name is Addison Grace.

2 Months Old!

2008-01-03T15:43:00.000-05:00

Wow, where does the time go? Our little girl turned 2 months old on December 19th. She is growing and changing every day. At her 2 month appointment she was up to 10 lbs, 3.5 oz and is now 22.5 inches long. She had to have her first vaccinations at her 2 month check-up and I think it hurt me worse than it hurt her. I told Hunter he has to take her for her next round at 4 months! We have had a busy past few weeks and I hope to have some time in the near future to post Addie's full story as well as an update on us.

One month old...where does the time go??

2007-11-26T18:33:00.001-05:00

Our sweet Addie Grace is now 1 month old. Techinically at the time of this post she is 5 weeks, 3 days old. Needless to say she is pretty much taking all of my time, but I am loving every minute of it. I hope to post the full story very soon. We definitely had a lot to be thankful for this Thanksgiving!

Welcome Home! Addison "Addie" Grace Gibbs

2007-10-30T17:23:00.000-04:00

We picked up our beautiful baby girl, Addison "Addie" Grace Gibbs today. The last 7 days have been a whirlwind to say the least! I will post more details soon...here are her beautiful pictures!

The Stork Has Been Found!

2007-10-30T07:17:00.000-04:00

If any of you are still with me (since I am such a slacker at posting)...stay tuned for an exciting announcement later today...

Moving forward...

2007-06-19T15:52:00.001-04:00

After our last BFN we needed some time to regroup, grieve, and figure out what in the world we were going to do. So now, 6 weeks later, we have finally picked ourselves up and are moving forward with adoption. It has been really hard facing the fact that most likely we will never have a biological child. Our RE didn't make it any easier by telling us that in a letter and giving us the phone number for an adoption agency, yes in a letter. What an ass! Needless to say we requested our records and never plan to step foot in that place ever again. I digress... We have been doing research on different agencies in the area and talked to a couple of people who have adopted through those agencies. Yesterday we had a consultation with an agency and Hunter and I both felt really "at home" there. We really liked what they had to say and their processes. After walking out of there we felt we had found the right place. So today we officially signed up with them! It is so exciting to be moving forward on a path that we know will end in us bringing home a baby. Granted, it may be two years from now, but there is finally a light at the end of the tunnel. Out first parenting class is July 20. Right now there is much paperwork to be done. We went through our pictures last night, we are supposed to have 50-60 to give our social worker to create our profile. The problem with our picture? Half of them had alcohol! I don't think any birth-mother would like to think she is giving her child to a bunch of alcoholics! It just happens that most of our pictures are taken with our friends at social functions where there is alcohol. We are going to have to do some serious photoshopping! I know we have a long wait ahead of us and a lot to prepare for! I told Hunter he has to leave out his "Monkey Boy" and his "Bull Dance" stories out when we meet with the social worker! Can you imagine if everyone had to go through all this to have a baby?? Hopefully our police records will come back clean - ha! ha! The good news is, we get the "pregnancy" without gaining any of the weight!

Another BFFN!

2007-05-02T09:36:00.001-04:00

Not much to say other than it is negative. More later...

Waiting and waiting and waiting and...

2007-04-29T19:28:00.000-04:00

oh yeah, let's wait some more. Well I am on the down hill slide now with the 2ww. Not much going on other than just waiting. The OHSS has gotten better which I am thinking is not a good sign. The RE told me it would get worse if I got pg. I am still bloated, just not nearly as bad and I am having cramping on and off and breast tenderness on and off. So what does all this mean? Probably not a thing. So, I am desperately trying to reserve judgement on this cycle and just see what happens at our beta on Wednesday. Hunter has forbidden me to POAS and just wait for the official results from the RE. UGH...I just want to be prepared if it is going to be negative. So, I think I have decided to have the RE call Hunter with the results. If it is negative, I would much rather hear it from my hubby than from the doctor. Of course I am trying to remain positive but with everything that went wrong this cycle it is kind of hard at times. So, what will we do if it is negative? We are getting the heck out of dodge and going somewhere tropical. Since we will be getting a nice check back from the RE I think we deserve it! After that who knows?? The 3rd time was supposed to be it for us, but now that it is here I am not quite ready to throw in the towel. Other things to distract ourselves during this 2ww - home improvement! Which mostly means Hunter has been working his rear-end off since I can't really do much to help him. Our guest bathroom is starting to look live-able again and hopefully we will have a nice new tile counter top by the end of the week. It is wonderful being married to such a handy man! Saturday I went for lunch and pedis with some fellow IFers which was great!! We had a fabulous time. It is great to know I have so much support out there! Hopefully we will have something to celebrate on Wednesday!

It has been a bumpy ride, but...

2007-04-22T17:06:00.000-04:00

we are home with 4 on board. Granted 2 of them looked pretty shabby, but we have nicknamed the lot of them "scrappy" in the hopes that we have at least one fighter bean that hangs with us for the long haul. The OHSS is still in full effect and I look like I swallowed a watermelon. Of course the RE promised that it will get worse before it gets better, especially if I get pg. I will take 2 or 3 watermelons if it means we get a baby out of the deal!! The moms have both been here this weekend which has been a lifesaver. My house is clean and all my laundry has been done...what wonderful mothers! I can only hope to be as good a mother as they are. I will update more tomorrow on the whole experience but the couch is calling my name!

ER Complete and OHSS!

2007-04-18T21:28:00.000-04:00

After 2 more liters of fluid in the RE's office my ER is finally complete. We only got 8 eggs which I am quite disappointed by considering they had been telling me all along that it looked like I had about 15 and I was on twice the dose that I had been on in my last two cycles. To go along with the wonderful stomach bug I have I also have OHSS, great! My stomach looks like I am about 5 mths pg and that is after the RE drained a lot of the fluid during the retrieval. I thought Good Friday was supposed to be our good omen for our 3rd and likely final IVF. I know it only takes one and I need to concentrate on thinking the positive thoughts right now. We should hear from our fert report tomorrow morning so I am praying that the majority of our little egglets fertilize. We are likely going in for a 3 day transfer on Saturday, but it all depends on how the little ones are growing. If you are the religious kind, any prayers you can offer would be greatly appreciated! One great thing about today, I am finally keeping some food down...granted it is only soup but it sure tasted good!

Triggered in the ED last night...

2007-04-17T15:29:00.000-04:00

What a miserable past couple of days! Sunday night Hunter came down with some sort of stomach bug or food poisoning and then lucky me got it yesterday morning. Well by 8:00 last night after I hadn't kept anything down, not even water, for 24 hours Hunter took me to the ED. Of course my ER is supposed to be tomorrow so I had to trigger last night at 11:30 - believe me I got questioned pretty hard by the nurse when I pulled out my syringe. So after 12 hours in the ED, 4 bags of fluid, and lots of nausea medicine I came home this morning. One neat thing was the physician who took care of me the in ED had actually gone through IVF so she knew what I was dealing with and even called my RE to let him know what was going on. As of right now he says we are still a go for ER tomorrow, but my fever has gone up today instead of going down. The good news is that I have kept some chicken soup down for a couple of hours now. While I hate to throw away $3,000 on meds, I also hate to go forward with this cycle when things aren't as good as they could be??? So now I am just waiting on the RE to call me back and then I guess we will go from there. This just sucks! We have had the best response this time than we have ever had over 15 follicles and my last E2 was over 2,100. What timing, huh??

Nothing like an early morning wanding

2007-04-13T09:24:00.000-04:00

to get the day started! My u/s this morning revealed a few more follies than we had on Tuesday. Right now we have about 14...7 on each side. Luckily they are all pretty much measuring the same (b/t 11 & 12). Isn't there some saying about slow and steady winning the race? Haven't gotten my E2 yet as they were quite busy this morning so it will probably be late afternoon before they call. I go back on Monday and hopefully will trigger on Monday or Tuesday for an ER on Wednesday or Thursday. Since we are going a little slower than I anticipated I have to order more drugs. My knocked up buddy from my Mind/Body group has graciously offered me her left over Follistim. Hopefully they are some lucky drugs...although I feel like I should be meeting her in a dark alley to make the exchange. We have a pretty low-key weekend planned. My body is pretty tired and bloated, so sleep and rest are my friend right now. No early signs up hyperstimulation which is great news!! All in all I am feeling pretty positive right now. Happy Friday to all!!

Not cooking as much as I thought...

2007-04-11T10:08:00.000-04:00

They ran my E2 this morning (from yesterday's appt) and it only came back at 125??? Last time on a lower dose my first E2 was over 200. Who knows...my body is probably just rebelling from all the drugs. They are increasing my dose from 300 to 450 which means more $$$ for drugs. Guess I need to plant me another money tree, huh? They pushed my next u/s and b/w back to Friday so hopefully my levels will be much beter by then.

We are just getting cookin'!

2007-04-10T17:00:00.000-04:00

Good news today from my 1st u/s! We have about 11 follicles so far...5 on the right and 6 on the left. We go back on Thursday and should be adding the Antagon and Menopur as long as everything looks good and my E2 levels are rising appropriately. Dr. C also told me not to take any more of my allergy medicine...UGH! My poor nose is running like a faucet with all this pollen. It is for a good cause though and I don't want to do anything to jeopardize this cycle. They also wrote off the $1K Assisted Hatching charge from my last cycle that we didn't even know anything about until we got the bill in the mail. I hate to be a difficult patient, but I just had a problem paying for something that no one told me about! They made sure to cover their bases this time though so we owe them another $1K for this cycle. It is only money, right?! If this cycle works I am sure we won't even think about it. Let's hope things keep cookin'!!

IVF#3 Officially Underway!

2007-04-08T20:12:00.000-04:00

After much discussion about my "less than ideal" lining and no period for 46, yes 46 days IVF#3 is officially underway. AF FINALLY decided to show her face on Friday just in time for me to start stims on schedule. Good Friday was supposed to be my good omen so I was freaking out a bit about my body not cooperating, but luckily for me at the last minute it all worked out. Friday night I started 300ius of Gonal-F. So far so good, just a little bloated and crampy which is to be expected. Hopefully there will be lots of little egglets cooking when I go back for my u/s on Tuesday.

Give me a break!

2007-04-03T15:21:00.000-04:00

90% of the time I am amazed by the nurses that I come into contact with. They have been compassionate, caring, understanding...you name it. Well the past week I have definitely been dealing with the other 10%! It all started with my annual GYN exam last Thursday. My absolute favorite NP left the infertility practice that I am going to and has joined an OBGYN practice. Since she has been such a wonderful source of support to Hunter and I through this whole journey I followed her to the land of the fertile. Of course I walk in the practice and am immediately greeted by a waiting room full of "fertiles"...but like I said, it was my choice to go there so I knew what to expect. Well the nurse calls me back to take my medical history ... pretty much everything under the sun since I was a new patient. So of course one of the questions is "Have you had any pregnancies?" Yes. "Deliveries?" No, two miscarriages. At that point she realized that I was on CD38 so she thought it was a grand idea for me to take a pregnancy test. Give me a break! It was quite humorous actually...she actually believed it might be positive - ha! So after another battery of questions I again get the question "Have you had any pregnancies?" Yes. (Trying not to look at her like an idiot) "Deliveries?" No, two miscarriages. (Really? Didn't you already write that down somewhere??) Once again there is a whole other battery of questions...family history of illness, etc. The the really kicker "How old are your two children?" Once again for the 3rd time, they were miscarriages. (Are you f***ing kidding me??? Give me a break!) I didn't even get a sorry from her on that. I do realize that not everyone understands, or should understand this whole world of IF, but give me a break.

So now it is a new week and I am starting fresh. This is the week that I start stims (I hope!). First thing Monday morning I call the REs office to get my prescriptions for this cycle filled. Nothing like waiting until the last minute, but who wants to turn loose of that kind of $$ before they have to?? The nurse does get points for calling me back pretty quickly (within 3 hrs...that is quick at my REs office). The first thing she says to me is "I didn't look at your chart, what meds do you need?" Uhh...Well I think Gonal-F, Menopur, etc. but since I don't have my protocol I don't know for sure. (Once again, are you kidding me? You are the nurse, you are supposed to be telling me what I need. How hard it is to look at my chart before you call me back...all of their stuff is on EMR so it isn't even like they had to go looking for a paper chart) "Well I guess I should talk to Dr. M before I call in your prescription." That sounds like a good idea (and why couldn't you have done that before you just wasted my time?). Well I made the call to the pharmacy to arrange delivery and find out exactly how big a chunk of change I was going to have to shell out and believe it or not the nurse had called in some of the prescriptions wrong! Why should I be surprised?! Hopefully they have it all squared away now and my drug dealer (aka the FedEx man) will be visiting me on Thursday.

What a way to start my 3rd IVF...smooth sailing, huh?

Return from Slackerville

2007-03-23T08:47:00.000-04:00

Yes, I have been MIA for a few weeks. A lot of you can probably relate to the need for a mental break from all things IF. Our last cycle was pretty rough so it was kind of nice to just take a couple of steps back and really look at our plan.

Since I last wrote we have been to a couple of adoption seminars. The first one was at an agency that specializes in open domestic adoptions. We learned a lot, but I am just not sure how much "openness" I am comfortable with. The second was an adoption fair that was sponsored by a local church. They had different break out sessions so we went to the domestic and the financial sessions. The domestic session was run by an agency that won't work with a couple if both work outside the home. WTF? As if we could afford any of this if both of us didn't work!! The financial session was great. Who knew there was so much free money out there? All that said, the adoption process just seems so long and daunting at the moment. Of course if it leads us to the child we are meant to have then by all means it is all worth it.

Outside of IF things have been really good. We have definitely been keeping busy with work, traveling, etc. It is kind of nice to have some down time and not be confined by doctor appointments, shots, etc.

Our 3rd and final(?) IVF is quickly approaching, or at least we think it is. Of course AF is not cooperating so we may get pushed back a couple of weeks. Why is it when we don't want her to come she shows up in full force and when we actually want her to make an appearance she is no where to be found?? I talked to the doctor this morning and he mentioned putting me on progesterone and estrogen until April 2 and that may allow me to stay on schedule to start stims on April 6. Never heard of that protocol before, but hey it may be worth a try. I am all up for skipping those evil BCPs if at all possible!!

Congratulations to several of my previous cycle buddies on their sweet little bun or buns in the oven! Hopeful Mother, Faith, and Carol all have been blessed with twins and Susan has one sweet little bun in the oven.

Hopefully several more of us will join the happily knocked up ranks soon!

Coming out of the fog...

2007-02-23T10:00:00.000-05:00

After being on an emotional roller coaster for the past two weeks I think the fog is starting to lift. Obviously, Hunter and I were both crushed by the outcome of this cycle, but we are trying to look ahead and start to get our plan in place for our 3rd and final IVF as well as starting to register for a couple of adoption seminars. We had our follow up consult with Dr. M on Wednesday and as expected, he couldn't really offer us any real reasons why this cycle ended in miscarriage. Although we still don't really have any answers, we now have an official diagnosis other than "unexplained"...it is now ovarian dysfunction. And what exactly does that mean? Who the hell knows?! He didn't try and push us to consider egg donation which I was quite shocked by. Since we did the cycle refund plan, if we don't get knocked up on the next cycle they have to give us our money back. So it would be to his benefit to do everything possible to see that we do get pregnant. He kept telling us that he thought it was an egg quality issue, but none of my tests support that and he isn't pushing us to do egg donation so I really have to wonder if he really knows??? For our next cycle he isn't going to change much other than my stim dosage...we are going to be starting at 300ius of Gonal-F versus the 150ius that we started with last time. I have never been on that high of a dosage before so hopefully the egg cup will be running over. He also wants to be more aggressive with the amount we put back (wasn't 4 aggressive?)...the number 6 and 7 were mentioned (BIG GULP). Obviously since I can't hold on to one, the chances are very slim that I would actually get pregnant with anything more than twins even with that large a number of embryos...still it is a little scary. Looks like we will be starting stims for our final IVF on April 6 which just happens to be "Good Friday", hopefully that is a good omen about how the cycle will go. In the meantime, we have registered for two adoption seminars. I am pretty excited about it. At least we know that with adoption it is a "sure" thing, but I am still struggling a bit with not having a biological child. It is hard to believe that after 3 years of trying and treatments that this will really be our last try for a biological child.

Beta # 4 = Game Over

2007-02-20T18:58:00.000-05:00

Beta #4 came in at only 34. The damn stork has tricked us again! Dr. M advised us to stop the PIO injections and let nature take its' course. I have already started bleeding so my HCG must have dropped pretty fast. Needless to say we are both emotionally and physically exhausted after this last week. There have been many mini-meltdowns over the last week, but I am still waiting for the big one to hit. It will probably be when I least expect it and at the most inopportune time. Right now we are both kind of numb. Our follow-up with Dr. M is tomorrow afternoon so hopefully he can give us some kind of insight as to why this happened. There probably isn't a really good answer, there is a lot the doctors still just don't know...especially when you fall into the "unexplained" category. This is SO not fair, as I am sure many of you know, and it just SUCKS! Next time that old stork gets close I think I will pluck out a few of his tail feathers and see how he likes getting messed with!

Still in beta HELL!

2007-02-16T09:49:00.000-05:00

So here is the run-down so far:

Beta #1 (11dp3dt) - 12.4
Beta #2 (12dp3dt) - 18.1
Beta #3 (14dp3dt) - 27
Beta #4 - scheduled for Monday which will be 17dp3dt

Given the less than 60% increase between Beta #2 and Beta #3, it isn't looking good. In case I haven't already said this (which I am sure I have a million times) this just plain SUCKS. Damn stork!

Officially in beta Hell!

2007-02-13T14:33:00.000-05:00

That damn stork is playing tricks on us again! I am officially in beta hell! My beta came back positive, but the level is only 12.4 so it isn't looking too good that this will be a viable pregnancy. So...I had already prepared myself for the negative after the HPT, but I had not prepared myself for this. They want me to come back tomorrow and see if the number is going up or down, so I guess I still in beta limbo (i.e. hell). Any positive thoughts or prayers you can spare would be greatly appreciated!!

Edited to add: I am currently 11dp3dt.

Back to reality

2007-02-12T09:18:00.000-05:00

We had a wonderful mini-weekend getaway! The beach was chilly, but absolutely gorgeous. Of course we planned everything around the food we wanted to eat, but isn't that what you're supposed to do on vacation? Saturday lunch was at Dockside and it was yummy as ever. The best part of eating there are the bloody mary's which or course I couldn't partake in. I did sneak a couple of sips of Hunter's though. It was so nice to sit by the water and watch all the boats go by. As we both wondered, why do we live in Raleigh??? Most of Saturday afternoon we lounged around the condo are were complete bums! The condo had a great view of the ocean so it was very peaceful and relaxing. Saturday night we ate at the Oceanic. It was good, but not great. If I get a $25 filet mignon, I expect something pretty darn good and it was just so-so. I did break down and get a glass of wine. It was SOOO good. No judgements please. I know plenty of women who have gotten quite inebriated right before they found out they were knocked up and their children weren't born with an extra toe or anything funky like that! Sunday the plan was to head to Taste of Country. You know how it is when you just have yourself completely psyched up for something, so much so that you can already taste it?? Well we get there and it is CLOSED. Not just closed for the day, but closed altogether! What?! That place is a legend (IMO of course)!!! UGH! So we settled for Elijah's, which was good, but just not the same!! So all in all it was a great weekend and definitely needed to prepare me for the negative HPT that I got this morning. I pretty much expected as much given my lack of symptoms, but we were stilling hoping that those symptoms were wrong. WTF??? We thought we had a pretty good shot given the fact that we transferred 4 and one of those 4 was pretty much picture perfect. It isn't officially over until the Beta test tomorrow, but I am not really holding out too much hope. At this point it is just hard to hope only to be crushed again. Dr. M is probably going to tell us that although all of my tests have been normal, my eggs are crap and we should consider donor eggs. Of course that means at minimum another $3,000 out of pocket for a child that wouldn't be biologically mine, although it would be biologically Hunter's - how do you make that kind of decision??? I just want to be a mom and Hunter deserves to be a dad, is that too much to ask???

Recharging

2007-02-09T15:12:00.000-05:00

Only 3 more days to go until the official beta test. Still not feeling any different than I have before so who knows. Hunter decided (with no help from me of course) that it would be a GREAT idea to take me down to the beach for a little relaxing and re-charging. It will be nice to get away from all things IF and just be a normal couple for the weekend. If this cycle turns out to be a bust we will be heading for our 3rd and final fresh IVF cycle. We didn't end up with any frosties this go round so I guess that really says something about my egg quality. Oh well, we can worry about that after our nice, relaxing weekend at the beach - a little salt air cures everything!

Officially in the 2ww slump!

2007-02-07T09:25:00.000-05:00

Okay, so I stole this list from Carol @ http://whatifthis.blogspot.com/ , but it seemed fitting at this point in my 2ww and I wasn't feeling very creative on my own! Congratulations to Carol, she is officially PG and has conquered the mean IF monster!!

Typical early pregnancy symptoms:
Tender, swollen breasts or nipples – a little tender, but is most likely a side effect of the PIO
Darkening of the areola – no
Blue veins in breasts - of course there are, how can you be as pale as I am and not see blue veins? There aren't any more than usual though.
Fatigue – yep, but that is nothing new.
Sleeplessness – nope, still sleeping through the night.
Slight bleeding or spotting – nope.
Slight cramping – yep, started on Monday which was 3dp3dt, but I had cramping with my previous 2 cycles and we all know how they ended up.
Nausea with or without vomiting – nope.
Food aversions or cravings – i am picky, but no more than usual.
Changes in taste and smell – nope.
Heartburn or indigestion – nope.
Constipation – nope.
Frequent urination – yep, but once again this happened the last 2 times.
Headaches – I always seem to have a headache, but most likely from all the drugs.
Faintness/dizziness – a little dizziness last night, but was accompanied by a headache so who knows???
Mood swings – of course I don't think so, but Hunter would probably disagree with me. I could probably cry at the drop of a hat, or a wrong look, or just about anything else under the sun.
Increase in basal body temp – wouldn't know...

So there you have it, a whole lot of stuff that doesn't mean much at this point. I am trying very hard to stay positive but given the fact that my symptoms (or lack of) are pretty much the same as the last 2 times, I am finding it very hard. Luckily I have my Mind/Body class tonight which should help me get my emotions back in check (at least for a couple of days anyway). Anybody have any good ideas for major distractions??? Maybe Hunter should take me to the beach this weekend :-)

Aren't we cute?

2007-02-02T18:40:00.000-05:00

And yes, I wore pearls to my transfer...

We have 4 safely on board!

2007-02-02T18:32:00.000-05:00

The transfer went great today! We now have 4 embies safely at home. The babysitter was pretty pleased overall. They were all at the 8-cell stage this morning and there was one excellent, one great, and two so-so. We have 6 still growing that they will let grow until day 5 or 6 and see what they look like, they didn't seem very optimistic that we would have any to freeze though. The ones that are still growing are showing a lot more signs of fragmentation. The best one is the one that is with the picture of 3 and it is on the bottom left. Let the symptom obsessing being!

We still have 10!!

2007-02-01T10:02:00.000-05:00

We got good news from the babysitter this morning, all 10 of our little embies have gone through the first replication process and are all 4-5 cells which is right where they are supposed to be! Whew - one hurdle down! We have 3 embies that are looking great and 7 that are beginning to show signs of fragmentation. I am a little bummed about the 7, but very grateful that we have 3 that are looking really good. Our ET is scheduled for tomorrow morning at 9. The "pee pee" dance will commence at approximately 8:45, anyone care to join in? There is a full moon tomorrow...

Finally - Fert Report In!

2007-01-31T15:05:00.000-05:00

We FINALLY got great news from our fert report!! Out of 12 eggs retrieved, 11 were mature, and 10 fertilized normally through ICSI. This is 2 more than we had with our first fresh IVF cycle so we are excited. The babysitter seemed very pleased with how they were looking so far. We really won't have a good indication of quality until they undergo their first replication tonight. Hopefully we will get a good update on the little ones tomorrow. Our ET will be on Friday and they are planning to transfer 4 (assuming we have that many make it). The likelihood of all 4 implanting is pretty slim, but who knows. It is all up to the man upstairs at this point. Thanks for all of your support in getting us to this point!

This waiting thing really SUCKS!

2007-01-31T11:27:00.000-05:00

Our ER went really well yesterday. They got 12 eggs which is pretty much what we were expecting. It is now 11:30 and I am STILL waiting to hear the fertilization report. Waiting is the hardest part...UGH! I keep reminding myself that we were 4th in line yesterday and that they had some more ERs this morning so they are probably just busy. The waiting part just sucks, because if you are like me, you can come up with all sorts of stories ( + and -) about why they haven't called yet. I am feeling pretty good today (other than obsessing of course), not too sore. No paid meds yet today, although the Tylenol#3 was a life-saver yesterday!! Hopefully I will have an update pretty soon...

A "Needle-less" Day!

2007-01-29T17:10:00.000-05:00

Woo-hoo! No shots today!! That is the nice thing about the day before ER, no shots, all I have to do is start taking my Z-Pack. Yippee for small victories! Of course the big needle comes out tomorrow. Hunter gets WAY too excited about shooting me in the rear!

Look out Stork, here we come!

2007-01-28T16:38:00.000-05:00

After 9 days on stims and my ovaries feeling like they are about to burst, I will be triggering tonight at 11:00. I went in Saturday for another u/s and b/w and then today just for b/w. My mom went with me to my Saturday morning appointment and she said my follicles looked like Hershey's Kisses on the screen. I don't think I will ever look at a Hershey's Kiss the same again. They were also training a new nurse on Saturday so there were 4 people besides me in the room. I guess it really is a team sport at this point isn't it?? So...we trigger tonight and then ER is on Tuesday morning at 11:00. They are expecting to get 12 mature follicles so I am keeping my fingers crossed that they all behave between now and then! Our ET will most likely be on Friday. Dr. M thought that a 3dt would be better sine he has some concerns about our embryo quality. Wish us luck!

Simmering Along...

2007-01-25T15:07:00.000-05:00

We had our 2nd u/w & b/w today and things are moving along. It is looking like we have about 12 follies and they are all measuring between 12 & 13. The RE did make the comment that I probably have a bit more ovarian dysfunction than they originally thought because of the way that I am responding. I guess based on my combination of meds they thought I would have had more follies to begin with. They are increasing my Gonal-F to 225 ius at least for the next couple of days. We will go back for another monitoring appointment on Saturday. I am kind of thinking that we may trigger on Monday for a Wednesday ER but we will see. I am really starting to feel the effects of all the drugs now, I think I could sleep for 12 or 15 hours straight and the bloating is starting to get worse. The sucky part is that I am going to have to order some more drug...another $500 bucks out the door!

Just gettin' cookin'!

2007-01-23T15:30:00.000-05:00

Well I started off my birthday with my feet in stirrups this morning! Luckily the news was good and for my birthday I got about 10-12 follies that are cooking right along as they should be. They are all pretty much growing at the same rate and my E2 was 232.17 which they seemed to be really happy with. I always get confused what the numbers should be at each stage. They are going to turn up the juice a bit and I will be on 150 Gonal-F and continue on the 75 of Menopur and then add the Antagon tomorrow. Thursday I will go back for another u/s and b/w to see how things are moving. As of right now all systems are go and we are moving right along. Two of my cycle buddies at my REs office got canceled today (one for overstimming - her E2 was over 1300 on Day 4 and one for not producing enough) so I am thankful that we are on track.

The Ironies of Infertility

2007-01-23T15:21:00.000-05:00

A fellow "IF"er posted this and I thought it was worth sharing...sometimes you just have to laugh!

1. Birth Control Pills. These little pills stopped us from getting pregnant when we were younger, who would have guessed that many of us may never have needed to take them in the first place! Also, I find it completely ironic that I begin each IVF cycle having to take them!
2. Looking forward to getting our period so that we can actually begin our stimming!
3. Needles. The thing I was scared of most as a child, is what is going to be vital in giving me a child of my own!
4. that peeing on a stick could be a husband/wife event (pg or ovulation)
5. that your period is a social event to be discussed.
6. Picking up a prescription for the birth control pill at the pharmacy (for your IVF cycle) while picking up pre-natal vitamens at the same time...and the pharmacist looks at you like you have 2 heads!
7. Getting the call that you have a BFN as you're watching the Maury Povich show about a drug-addicted prostitute who wants a paternity test.
8. I use to tell my friends who were having trouble conceiving not to worry that if they cant get pg, they can always adopt. NOW they are the one's with the baby's and I may be on my way to adoption.
9. Deathly afraid of blood work, yet I went to RE for 19 days for us and blood work just to have a baby.
10. Hating to get an annual pap and now every possible intsrument has been shoved up me in the past year!
11. In the first 3 yrs of my marriage when i was still studying, i freaked out if AF was late even by 3 days and the moment it came it was a moment of joy and the first thing i did was call DH. Now all prayers are to ensure that AF doesnt come and I get PG instead.
12. We used to be very careful about who we spread our legs for and now it seems like every Tom, Dick and Harry has seen us in a comprising position..with stirrups nonetheless!
13. The big "O" no longer refers to orgasm, but rather ovulation...
14. Before starting this process, I had wicked PMS symptoms and was trying to work with my doctor to alleviate some of my anxiety, cravings, bitchiness, and depression during the 2 weeks after ovulation. Now I purposely induce all of these symptoms, so I can have them for 4 weeks instead of 2. Go figure!!!The things we do
15. I think I could drop my pants for practically anyone now... modesty is out the window...
16. and I love explaining to a regular physician that I am doing IVF and that I am on Birth Control Pills....

I think the needle won...

2007-01-21T18:12:00.000-05:00

Well, as you can see, the first shot didn't go too well. I think I need to see if I can find some smaller needles!

Game On!

2007-01-19T14:45:00.000-05:00

We had our baseline u/s and b/w this morning and all is quiet on the ovarian front so we are good to go to start our stims tonight! We will be doing 75ius of Menopur and 75ius of Gonal-F. Our next monitoring visit will be on Tuesday to see how things are cooking. Assuming I have "taken off" they will add Antagon on Wednesday to keep me from having a premature LH surge. The nurse told me this morning that they have also decided to add Prednisone to the protocol to be taken after retrieval...supposedly there is some new study that shows that it helps with implantation. Hey - whatever it takes to get those little buggers to stick!!

How much of an idiot can one person be? (Warning - Vent ahead)

2007-01-15T15:56:00.000-05:00

So I have this employee who isn't the sharpest tool in the shed, probably pretty darn near to the dullest tool in the shed in all actuality. She is 26 years old, still goes out almost every night, has a different flavor of the week every week (and is proud of it), can't manage her money, and the list goes on...I think you can get the picture. Right before Christmas she almost passed out at work, of course I was concerned so I sent her home and told her to go to the doctor and get checked out. Well of course the story that I got was that they couldn't find anything wrong with her...blah, blah, blah. The rumor mill runs rampant around these parts so another employee, who knows everything I have been through trying to have a baby, thought she ought to fill me in on the real story before I got caught off-guard. Turns out the little hoochie was pregnant and had an abortion. She wasn't even using birth control, hello??? Assuming you aren't baby making challenged like I am, what the hell do you think is going to happen?? Not to mention what else she probably has to go along with it! The really sad part is, what she was most upset about was not being able to have sex for 3 weeks. Give me a break, I have no sympathy, compassion, or patience for someone who thinks an abortion is just a convenient means of birth control. Grow up, be responsible and think of the millions of people out there who would give their right arm to have what you just destroyed.

It's just like Christmas...

2007-01-08T16:37:00.000-05:00

only with a lot of drugs and needles! My drug dealer (aka the Fed Ex woman) arrived on Saturday with my box of goodies. It looks like I could open up my own pharmacy. For the stimulation phase I got 5 boxes of Menopur, 5 boxes of Antagon, and 1 box of Gonal-F. Of course all 2 of these are injections which you can't mix together. So I will be taking 3 injections daily during the stimulation phase. Can you say pin cushion? For my trigger shot I got 1 box of Ovidrel which I will take exactly 36 hours (and they mean EXACTLY) before my retrieval. Before retrieval I also be on a Z-Pack to fight off infection, after all I guess it is technically surgery. At retrieval I will begin Estrace, Baby Aspirin, PIO (Hunter gets WAY too excited about this one), and Tylenol 3 w/codeine (for all the pain they inflict on my poor little-well big by that time-ovaries). And all of this came for the low, low price of $1,700, which is actually pretty cheap given that some have to spend $3,000 on meds for each cycle. Let the games begin!

On Island Time...

2007-01-02T20:40:00.000-05:00

And they wonder why they didn't catch any fish?! The poor things were probably scared to death when they saw this motley crew, but hey...they were having a good time and that is what New Year's and Birthdays are all about right? This past weekend we headed to Ocracoke Island, NC (our idea of Heaven on Earth) to celebrate New Year's and my dear hubby's 30th birthday with 2 other couples. Yes, I snagged me a younger man...of course he likes to think of me as the "older woman", hmmm). A grand time was had by all, we had the full bellies and hangovers (some more than others, but I'm not mentioning any names!) to prove it! If only Island Time could last forever...

Foreshadowing...or just plain Rude?

2007-01-02T19:44:00.000-05:00

New Year's Eve I had several interesting run ins in the women's bathroom. We decided to ring in the New Year at the Ocracoke Community Center...it was $20 per person for food, open bar, and the Ocracoke Rockers. You can't beat that! So, given that it was open bar and I could have all the Cape Cods I wanted nature called quite often. My first trip to the bathroom was pretty uneventful, but then the 2nd, 3rd, and 4th trips for full of adventure. My 2nd trip there was a lady sitting on the throne with the door wide open. Keep in mind that there were doors with locks on the stalls! She looks up and says "Hi" like it is the most normal thing in the world. My 3rd trip there is this lady in one of the stalls (with the door closed, thankfully) singing Joan Jett at the top of her lungs. My 4th and final trip is where the foreshadowing or just plain rude comes in. I am standing at the sink washing my hands when this chick comes up beside me and pats my stomach and says "What a sweet little baby in there". Okay, you see the picture...do I look pregnant?! Also, I do not think I would be throwing back Cape Cods if I were. If only she knew how much I wish she were right and that that really was a little baby pooch. It was an innocent enough comment, but to someone in my shoes it was just a reminder that what comes so easily to many others, isn't so easy for us. Of course my dear hubby, trying to make me feel better of course, says she must be some kind of witch who can predict the future - ha! I guess my New Year's resolution should have been to lose some weight!

The Irony...BCPs!

2006-12-28T14:50:00.000-05:00

How strange to think that those little pills we took to keep us from getting PG, are now the very thing I have to start off taking for my IVF cycle. AF finally arrived this past Saturday so I have officially started the process for IVF/ICSI #2 with BCPs! Can I just say they make me feel like crap?! Headaches, moodiness, bloating...wait, that could be any other day :-) Assuming that all goes as planned I should start stims on 1/19/07. My RE is switching up my protocol from my last cycle...last cycle I did BCPs and Lupron then started on 225 IUs of Gonal - F. This time we have nixed the Lupron and I will be doing Antagon, Menopur, and Gonal-F starting 1/19. At ER, I will also be starting on Estrace (Estrogen) and BA in addition to the wonderful PIO shots. Hopefully this will be the right combination!

How did we get here???

2006-12-28T12:46:00.000-05:00

I ask myself that question quite frequently these days and still haven't come up with a good answer...so I will just start off with the basics about us. I decided to start this blog for several reasons, probably as my own personal therapy more than anything else, but also as an easy way to keep friends and family informed on where we are in our cycles and as a resource for others out there who are on the same roller coaster ride that at times seems never ending.

We started our search 3 long years ago with a conversation at one of our favorite restaurants. Of course I immediately went home and trashed the BCPs and commenced to determining the optimal days for the "BD". Of course the thought was that in just a few short months we would have our own little bun in the oven. I had already concocted all kinds of ways that I would spring the happy news on my hubby, now I think he knows my cycle better than I do...so much for a big surprise! Well after a year without so much as a glimmer of the stork's tail feathers we made an appointment to get checked out with a fertility specialist. Well lucky for us, everything came back perfectly normal...my tubes were open and clear, no endometriosis, the swim team had plenty of members and were pretty strong swimmers...so, what does all that mean? Well we are both perfectly healthy, young (at that time 28-me, 27-my dear hubby), and Unexplained! It has taken me quite some time to come to terms with that diagnosis, in fact I still scour the Internet, books, my fellow infertile friends, the RE, etc. looking for some kind of "fix-able" problem. As you can see from our journey we have been through multiple clomid/natural, clomid/IUI, and injectible/IUI cycles. Our very first injectible/IUI cycle we achieved what we both had hoped and prayed for - We were officially pregnant!! Unfortunately a few short days later the stork decided that it just wasn't our time and we lost the pregnancy. So after a couple of months to regroup we went back at the injectible/IUI cycles thinking that we had surely found the winning combination. Now a year, one failed IVF, and one failed FET later, we are still left wondering "How did we get here?"