Question...

For those of you who have adopted and have an open/semi-open arrangement with the birthparents...do you do anything to commemorate Mother's Day for the birth/first mother? I am really struggling with it? I don't know if she would appreciate it or if it would just be too hard...

If you are the praying kind...

My dear friends that I spoke of in my previous post could both use some positive thoughts and prayers this week.

My friend, E, delivered her twin girls at slightly over 33 weeks on Sunday. The girls are doing really great, but they will be in the NICU for a couple of weeks or more. It has to be so hard to leave the hospital without the babies you have waited so long for.

My friend, L, is in a bit of a holding pattern with an opportunity at the adoption agency. The whole waiting game is just so anxiety provoking and can take such a toll on you - both physically and emotionally. Hopefully all will work out and they will be bringing home a very sweet little boy some time in the next couple of weeks.

Miscellaneous Ramblings...

See, I am getting better about this! Posting two days in a row, aren't you proud?? There are many topics to cover since I am such a slacker!

First and foremost our precious little Addie. Can you believe that she is already 5 months old?? I don't know where the time has gone. Part of me is so excited to watch her grow and the other part of me wants her to stay this little and innocent forever. A sure sign that she is growing up? As of today she is no longer the youngest infant in her class at daycare :-( I don't know why, but that makes me really sad. She has started eating baby food. So far she likes bananas, peaches, sweet potatoes, and carrots. Last night I broke down and tried some of the "green" stuff - I'm sorry, but that just about made me gag! Well low and behold - she liked it! Maybe that fact that she doesn't have my genes is good in this case. Meat and potatoes are more my thing, but I have branched out some. After 3 ear infections, resistent to antibiotics, in just 6 weeks, we decided tubes were the right way to go. We are lucky in the fact that I work for a major health system and that I work directly with the ENT physician who did her surgery. It really put me at ease to know what good hands she was in. All in all she did good, although coming out of the anesthesia was a different story. She screamed for about 2 hours straight. Yes, it just about broke my heart. The day of the surgery she was pretty puny, but the next day she was like a whole new child. She "talks" so much more now - yeah, probably because she can actually hear! It really makes me feel like we made the right decision. Addie is such a great child and is starting to develop such a cute little personality. We could just sit and stare at her for hours (and often do). Life has a whole different meaning now that she is part of it.

Infertility will always be a part of my life. Sometimes it rears its ugly head when I least expect it. As much as my life has changed, that pain will always be there in some form and I will never forget what it is like to "be in the trenches". My pep talk for those of you still fighting the fight, don't ever give up on your dream! If it is what you want, you will get there...it just may not necessarily be the path you expected to take. While I was always open to the idea of adoption, I truly never thought it would get to that point. We had decided on at least 3 IVF cycles, of course at least one of them had to work. Two positive pregnancy tests, of course one of them had to stick. Well we all know how that turned out. Everything happens for a reason, I am now a firm believer in that. October is a very significant month for us - it is the month where I had my first miscarriage (twins) - it is the month that I would have been due had the second pregnancy stuck - and it is the month that we became a "Forever Family" when we brought our sweet little girl home.

What helped me immensely to get through the difficult times was to participate in a local Mind/Body group that is based off of the book Conquering Infertility by Alice Domar, PhD. I can't recommend this enough! Through it I learned to deal with stress much better than I ever had before and I formed an amazing friendship with two of the women I met in that class. It helps to have other women close to you going through the same thing that you can really talk to, cry to, yell to, vent to...it is true that while people not having experienced the joys of IF, can be very sympathetic - they can just never understand fully what you are dealing with. I would have never made it through some of my darkest times without these two women. To my surprise, the leader of our Mind/Body group contacted me last week and has asked my husband and I to come and speak to her new group about our experience with adoption. Wow, how weird it will feel to be on the other side! I remember so clearly sitting in their seats almost a year ago and looking at the couple that spoke to us, wondering if I would ever get there. While I do feel honored that she asked us, I also feel that it is a great responsibility - will I say the right thing? will I convey to them that I do know how it feels...I haven't forgotten what it's like? what will they think of the choices we made/or didn't make? Overall though, I am very excited about speaking to the group. I want them to know and see that there will be a happy ending.

Wow, I had a completely different direction for this post than where it ended up...but again, that is just one of those things IF does to you I guess?

5 Months Old!

I really have to do better about getting these posts up!! I have good intentions, really I do...life just gets in the way sometimes. Being a new mom is so much fun, but doesn't leave a lot of free time. Of course I wouldn't have it any other way!!

Here is our big girl...

My little "lady"...

Last night we were shopping at Babies-R-Us for a friend's shower this weekend. A very cute couple with their little "gun" in hand stopped us to debate the finer qualities of the Diaper Genie versus the Diaper Champ. They were obviously going to be first time parents and both of them had that "deer in headlights" expression trying to decide what to register for. My advice - take someone with you who has done it before! I would have never made it through that store alive otherwise. But, I digress...back to the point of my story. The mom-to-be was looking at Addie and saying how beautiful she is. Addie is looking right back at her and giving that gorgeous smile of hers when all of a sudden I hear a very loud, adult sized, fart. Addie looked at me with a look of "surprise" on her face quickly followed by another little grin that said "whew, I sure do feel better". Mom-to-be didn't know what to say, of course my comeback was...see what you have to look forward to? Hunter would have been so proud...

Such a big girl!!

Addie Grace is now 4 months old! As I have said many times, where does the time go?? She had her 4 month check-up today and she now weighs 13 ½ lbs and is 23 3/4 inches long - still under the 50th percentile for height and weight, but she is growing steadily - just a little on the petite side. The pediatrician said she is just perfect, which we already knew ;-) Okay, so we are biased!

She seems to learn something new every day. She is rolling over now, has
discovered her little "pigs", is pushing up during "tummy time", wants to
put everything in her mouth, and is definitely developing her little
personality more and more. She loves her daddy and thinks he is just the
funniest thing, especially when they go on a "drive".

Can't wait to see what new and exciting thing tomorrow brings!

Addie's Birthparents

So, I realize I left out a lot of detail about Addie's birthparents when I finally got around to posting her adoption story, but after the events of this past weekend I feel that I need to share more about them and how/why we have now switched to an open adoption (something I said I never wanted).

At our agency the adoptive parents typically meet with the birthmother prior to being matched which occurs prior to the baby's birth. Addie's birthmother ended up delivering earlier than expected so our "match" process happened kind of backwards. When the email came out that Addie was available all we knew about the birthparents was that they were a young couple (19 & 20), had been dating for approximately 2 years, the birthmother (A) had taken a year off from college to work and save money, and the birthfather (J) was working as a waiter and going to community college. They both lived at home with their parents, who didn't know that A was pregnant (what?? don't you think you would notice that???). To their credit A only gained 20 lbs during the entire pregnancy and didn't know herself that she was pregnant until she was already 25 weeks (again, I find that hard to believe...but I have heard that it happens). At this point in their lives they just weren't prepared emotionally or financially to parent a child. I admire them for recognizing that they weren't and for making a birth plan for their child. A & J had selected us from all the profiles that they had reviewed and the night that the adoption counselor called us to tell us we had been chosen, Hunter got to talk to J. They had a great conversation and hit it off right away. After the placement it was decided that we would have a belated "match" meeting with A & J and that we would take Addie with us. At the time of the match meeting, Addie had been home with us for 2 weeks. The day of the meeting I was so nervous I literally thought I was going to be sick. I really wanted them to like us. We met at a restaurant and from the time they walked up I just wanted to grab them both and smother them with hugs and kisses to tell them how thankful I was for the gift that they gave us. The meeting went great and the conversation really flowed. We ended up have a lot of things in common - hobbies, values, tastes in music, etc. They were just the cutest couple, but I have to say they seemed more immature than I remember being at their age - although now I can chalk that up to nerves. I offered to let them hold Addie and it just about ripped my heart out to hand her over to them. My heart was breaking for them, I can't imagine ever giving my child away. I know that our circumstances are very different and we have wanted a baby for so long. We did get them a little gift - a weekend away at a beach close by and we got A a necklace with an opal charm on it (October's birthstone). I mean what do you get for someone who has given you the gift of a life?? At the end of the meeting I was an emotional wreck, but A held it together very well. I was so glad that we met them and knew that I will be able to tell Addie all about them some day.

In November our adoption agency hosts a potluck/holiday gathering for all the past placed adoptive parents and current waiting parents. It was a lot of fun and we got to have Addie's first picture taken with Santa.

The main point of this is to tell you (sorry, I tend to get long-winded...I think it comes from Hunter) that we saw our adoption counselor there who had a letter for us from A & J. It was so very sweet and talked about how after meeting us that they knew they had picked the right parents for Addie. They also included A's ultrasound pictures. I still can't believe how incredibly thoughtful that was of them.

Our initial arrangement with them was a semi-open adoption which meant that Hunter and I would send letters and pictures on an agreed upon schedule through the agency so that A & J could have them if they chose. I was never very comfortable with the thought on a fully open adoption, I don't know why...maybe it is the selfishness in me that wanted Addie all to ourselves, maybe I was scared that if Addie knew her birthparents that that would somehow change her relationship with us...I really don't know.

There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of A & J and what a wonderful gift they give us, but beyond that I wonder how they are doing, has A gone back to school, how is she coping with the whole situation, has her relationship with J suffered at all or are they still as in love as ever? Part of me really wanted to keep in touch with them and wanted Addie to know how much A & J really love her and what they did so that she could have a better life.

Early in January our adoption counselor called to tell me that she had been talking with A and that she had requested another visit with us and Addie. She still didn't feel like she had closure. My immediate thought was, no - Addie is ours, no one can take her from us. But once that initial thought passed and I verified that legally even if she did change her mind, there is nothing that can be done at this point - I was excited at the thought of seeing them again. That brings us to this past weekend and our second meeting with J & A. I wasn't nervous at all, I was really excited. I got Addie all dressed up, she had to look her best! As soon as we saw them it was like running into old friends. I gave them both a big hug and the conversation just flowed from there. We talked a lot about Addie, but we also talked a lot about our lives. They asked us a lot of questions about what we were like when we were their age and we in turn asked them about what their plans are and what they want out of life. They held Addie and called us "Mommy and Daddy" - I felt very weird and comforted by that all at the same time. They also brought us the sweetest gift, a framed and matted picture of Addie right after she was born in the hospital. There were several tears shed by both A and I at this visit. We talked about how we want to communicate in the future and decided that we did want an open adoption after all. I don't really know what all that means right now, but they do have our email address and a telephone number where they can call and check on Addie and we can keep up with how they are doing. As far as more visits, I guess we will just play that one by ear. Addie will truly know how much we both love her and care for her and I think that through our love for Addie we have a deep respect and love for A & J as well. I am so thankful that God has brought them back into our lives and really couldn't ask for a better situation. I hope that if they do get married one day that they invite us to the wedding. They will always hold a special place in our hearts.

North Carolina Bloggers Unite!

For all of you North Carolina Bloggers, stop over and see JJ - hopefully you will join us!!

What a difference a year makes...

Everything happens for a reason, or so I have always been told. Now, I am a firm believer in that philosophy. Last year on Valentine's Day I was in beta hell from IVF#2. My levels had risen just enough to keep me hoping that it may actually work out, only to have that elusive stork once again laugh right in our faces and fly away. I never thought I would be thanking that stork, but here I am today saying "Thank You". Now, a year later, check out our sweet little Valentine (although not looking so little in this picture!). She is the light of our lives. Believe it or not all that hurt, pain, and disappointment we felt just a year ago seems like nothing more than a bad dream. I can't believe she will be 4 months old next week!

Happy Valentine's Day to you all!!!

Finally - Our Adoption Story

Yes, it has taken me WAY too long to actually get this post together. Needless to say, our lives have changed dramatically over the last 3 1/2 months.

Hunter and I always knew that if we were unable to have a biological child through treatment that we would definitely adopt. So, after our final failed cycle in May we signed with a wonderful local agency, A Child's Hope in June . We were immediately matched with our social worker and had our first homestudy visit with her on July 9. I was a bundle of nerves - believe my house had NEVER been so clean!! Luckily she put us at ease right away and was so easy to talk to...contrary to my initial belief, she really wasn't looking for anything wrong with us - she really wanted us to be parents. The most daunting part of the whole process had to be gathering all of the paperwork. We had to have birth certificates, police records (no there weren't any, but you still had to have something official stating that), financial statements, recommendations, physical forms from the doctor, and on, and on. On July 20 we went to our first parenting class with the agency. It wasn't really a class on parenting so much as it was a class on the whole adoption process and what to expect. When it got time to do the "role-play" match meeting with the birthmother Hunter and I were chosen. Luckily he didn't embarrass me too much ;-) As much as I dreaded it, it was really great practice...even though we didn't end up having a traditional match meeting. After our class we had our final 3 meetings with our social worker. I think she knows pretty much everything there is to know about both of us - even the embarrassing stuff. I have said this before and I will say it again - if everyone had to go through this process to have a baby, there would be a lot less unplanned pregnancies in the world. Once we got our final homestudy report we went live on the website in August. That was the point where I started to get a little antsy. In reality I knew that it would likely be at least a year before we were bringing a little one home, but I also knew that there was that slim chance that we could get a call any day. There were several opportunities that we were interested in in August and September, but as expected, none of those panned out.

So, on Saturday, October 20 Hunter and I were being lazy watching NC State lose yet another football game and my crackberry (as Hunter likes to call it) vibrated to let me know I had a new email. I felt a funny feeling in my stomach as I saw an email from A Child's Hope titled "Last Minute Opportunity". This situation couldn't have sounded more perfect - a baby girl born on Friday, October 19 in excellent health. The birthparents had called the agency just the week before and was scheduled to meet with the adoption counselor the Friday that she ended up being induced due to pre-eclampsia. Hunter and I knew that this was a situation that sounded too good to be true and that another family who had been waiting longer would probably be picked, but we still responded that we would like to have our profile shown. Over the next couple of days neither of us could get our minds off of the little baby girl that we knew was waiting to go to a new family. By Tuesday, I was really bummed that we hadn't gotten a call and thought surely the birthparents had picked another family. Tuesday on my way home from work I called my good friend Stephanie and asked if she, her husband, and 2 beautiful daughters wanted to go to dinner with us. I needed some cheering up and something to take my mind off of what I thought was yet another rejection. Halfway through dinner Hunter's phone rang and I heard him say "Yes mam" and give me a really funny look. Right then I knew it was "the call". We both ran outside so we could talk to the adoption counselor and sure enough she said that the birthparents had chosen us!!!! I could hardly contain myself, I was laughing and crying all at the same time. Hunter actually got to talk with the birthfather - they were really excited at how excited we were. We went back into the restaurant trying to keep a straight face, but as soon as they saw us they knew that it was the call we had been waiting on. We had wanted to keep it a secret because we knew that even though we had been picked, it was by no means a "done deal". In North Carolina the birthparents have 7 days to change their minds after they have signed the termination papers. We did call our parents and give them the good news - they may have disowned us otherwise! Can I just tell you - we had absolutely nothing! The room that was going to be the nursery was in shambles (Hunter had scrapped the popcorn off the ceiling). Since it was still not a "sure thing" we hated to go buy too much in case it fell through. I knew I couldn't sit there and look at it, if it didn't work out. We didn't get much sleep and during the day there was no way I could concentrate at work. I avoided my friends like the plague. I knew if I talked to them they would be able to tell that something was up. I must have called the adoption counselor about a dozen times just to check in and see if she had heard anything. She was probably ready to block my number! Finally Tuesday, October 30 came. I think I got up at about 5 in the morning. Our adoption counselor called bright and early to say congratulations and she emailed us a picture of our beautiful daughter. It was finally happening. After all the heartache and waiting we knew there was one very special reason that made it all worth it - her name is Addison Grace.

2 Months Old!

Wow, where does the time go? Our little girl turned 2 months old on December 19th. She is growing and changing every day. At her 2 month appointment she was up to 10 lbs, 3.5 oz and is now 22.5 inches long. She had to have her first vaccinations at her 2 month check-up and I think it hurt me worse than it hurt her. I told Hunter he has to take her for her next round at 4 months! We have had a busy past few weeks and I hope to have some time in the near future to post Addie's full story as well as an update on us.

One month old...where does the time go??

Our sweet Addie Grace is now 1 month old. Techinically at the time of this post she is 5 weeks, 3 days old. Needless to say she is pretty much taking all of my time, but I am loving every minute of it. I hope to post the full story very soon. We definitely had a lot to be thankful for this Thanksgiving!

Welcome Home! Addison "Addie" Grace Gibbs

We picked up our beautiful baby girl, Addison "Addie" Grace Gibbs today. The last 7 days have been a whirlwind to say the least! I will post more details soon...here are her beautiful pictures!

The Stork Has Been Found!

If any of you are still with me (since I am such a slacker at posting)...stay tuned for an exciting announcement later today...

Moving forward...

After our last BFN we needed some time to regroup, grieve, and figure out what in the world we were going to do. So now, 6 weeks later, we have finally picked ourselves up and are moving forward with adoption. It has been really hard facing the fact that most likely we will never have a biological child. Our RE didn't make it any easier by telling us that in a letter and giving us the phone number for an adoption agency, yes in a letter. What an ass! Needless to say we requested our records and never plan to step foot in that place ever again. I digress... We have been doing research on different agencies in the area and talked to a couple of people who have adopted through those agencies. Yesterday we had a consultation with an agency and Hunter and I both felt really "at home" there. We really liked what they had to say and their processes. After walking out of there we felt we had found the right place. So today we officially signed up with them! It is so exciting to be moving forward on a path that we know will end in us bringing home a baby. Granted, it may be two years from now, but there is finally a light at the end of the tunnel. Out first parenting class is July 20. Right now there is much paperwork to be done. We went through our pictures last night, we are supposed to have 50-60 to give our social worker to create our profile. The problem with our picture? Half of them had alcohol! I don't think any birth-mother would like to think she is giving her child to a bunch of alcoholics! It just happens that most of our pictures are taken with our friends at social functions where there is alcohol. We are going to have to do some serious photoshopping! I know we have a long wait ahead of us and a lot to prepare for! I told Hunter he has to leave out his "Monkey Boy" and his "Bull Dance" stories out when we meet with the social worker! Can you imagine if everyone had to go through all this to have a baby?? Hopefully our police records will come back clean - ha! ha! The good news is, we get the "pregnancy" without gaining any of the weight!

Another BFFN!

Not much to say other than it is negative. More later...

Waiting and waiting and waiting and...

oh yeah, let's wait some more. Well I am on the down hill slide now with the 2ww. Not much going on other than just waiting. The OHSS has gotten better which I am thinking is not a good sign. The RE told me it would get worse if I got pg. I am still bloated, just not nearly as bad and I am having cramping on and off and breast tenderness on and off. So what does all this mean? Probably not a thing. So, I am desperately trying to reserve judgement on this cycle and just see what happens at our beta on Wednesday. Hunter has forbidden me to POAS and just wait for the official results from the RE. UGH...I just want to be prepared if it is going to be negative. So, I think I have decided to have the RE call Hunter with the results. If it is negative, I would much rather hear it from my hubby than from the doctor. Of course I am trying to remain positive but with everything that went wrong this cycle it is kind of hard at times. So, what will we do if it is negative? We are getting the heck out of dodge and going somewhere tropical. Since we will be getting a nice check back from the RE I think we deserve it! After that who knows?? The 3rd time was supposed to be it for us, but now that it is here I am not quite ready to throw in the towel. Other things to distract ourselves during this 2ww - home improvement! Which mostly means Hunter has been working his rear-end off since I can't really do much to help him. Our guest bathroom is starting to look live-able again and hopefully we will have a nice new tile counter top by the end of the week. It is wonderful being married to such a handy man! Saturday I went for lunch and pedis with some fellow IFers which was great!! We had a fabulous time. It is great to know I have so much support out there! Hopefully we will have something to celebrate on Wednesday!

It has been a bumpy ride, but...

we are home with 4 on board. Granted 2 of them looked pretty shabby, but we have nicknamed the lot of them "scrappy" in the hopes that we have at least one fighter bean that hangs with us for the long haul. The OHSS is still in full effect and I look like I swallowed a watermelon. Of course the RE promised that it will get worse before it gets better, especially if I get pg. I will take 2 or 3 watermelons if it means we get a baby out of the deal!! The moms have both been here this weekend which has been a lifesaver. My house is clean and all my laundry has been done...what wonderful mothers! I can only hope to be as good a mother as they are. I will update more tomorrow on the whole experience but the couch is calling my name!

ER Complete and OHSS!

After 2 more liters of fluid in the RE's office my ER is finally complete. We only got 8 eggs which I am quite disappointed by considering they had been telling me all along that it looked like I had about 15 and I was on twice the dose that I had been on in my last two cycles. To go along with the wonderful stomach bug I have I also have OHSS, great! My stomach looks like I am about 5 mths pg and that is after the RE drained a lot of the fluid during the retrieval. I thought Good Friday was supposed to be our good omen for our 3rd and likely final IVF. I know it only takes one and I need to concentrate on thinking the positive thoughts right now. We should hear from our fert report tomorrow morning so I am praying that the majority of our little egglets fertilize. We are likely going in for a 3 day transfer on Saturday, but it all depends on how the little ones are growing. If you are the religious kind, any prayers you can offer would be greatly appreciated! One great thing about today, I am finally keeping some food down...granted it is only soup but it sure tasted good!

Triggered in the ED last night...

What a miserable past couple of days! Sunday night Hunter came down with some sort of stomach bug or food poisoning and then lucky me got it yesterday morning. Well by 8:00 last night after I hadn't kept anything down, not even water, for 24 hours Hunter took me to the ED. Of course my ER is supposed to be tomorrow so I had to trigger last night at 11:30 - believe me I got questioned pretty hard by the nurse when I pulled out my syringe. So after 12 hours in the ED, 4 bags of fluid, and lots of nausea medicine I came home this morning. One neat thing was the physician who took care of me the in ED had actually gone through IVF so she knew what I was dealing with and even called my RE to let him know what was going on. As of right now he says we are still a go for ER tomorrow, but my fever has gone up today instead of going down. The good news is that I have kept some chicken soup down for a couple of hours now. While I hate to throw away $3,000 on meds, I also hate to go forward with this cycle when things aren't as good as they could be??? So now I am just waiting on the RE to call me back and then I guess we will go from there. This just sucks! We have had the best response this time than we have ever had over 15 follicles and my last E2 was over 2,100. What timing, huh??