Coming out of the fog...

After being on an emotional roller coaster for the past two weeks I think the fog is starting to lift. Obviously, Hunter and I were both crushed by the outcome of this cycle, but we are trying to look ahead and start to get our plan in place for our 3rd and final IVF as well as starting to register for a couple of adoption seminars. We had our follow up consult with Dr. M on Wednesday and as expected, he couldn't really offer us any real reasons why this cycle ended in miscarriage. Although we still don't really have any answers, we now have an official diagnosis other than "unexplained"...it is now ovarian dysfunction. And what exactly does that mean? Who the hell knows?! He didn't try and push us to consider egg donation which I was quite shocked by. Since we did the cycle refund plan, if we don't get knocked up on the next cycle they have to give us our money back. So it would be to his benefit to do everything possible to see that we do get pregnant. He kept telling us that he thought it was an egg quality issue, but none of my tests support that and he isn't pushing us to do egg donation so I really have to wonder if he really knows??? For our next cycle he isn't going to change much other than my stim dosage...we are going to be starting at 300ius of Gonal-F versus the 150ius that we started with last time. I have never been on that high of a dosage before so hopefully the egg cup will be running over. He also wants to be more aggressive with the amount we put back (wasn't 4 aggressive?)...the number 6 and 7 were mentioned (BIG GULP). Obviously since I can't hold on to one, the chances are very slim that I would actually get pregnant with anything more than twins even with that large a number of embryos...still it is a little scary. Looks like we will be starting stims for our final IVF on April 6 which just happens to be "Good Friday", hopefully that is a good omen about how the cycle will go. In the meantime, we have registered for two adoption seminars. I am pretty excited about it. At least we know that with adoption it is a "sure" thing, but I am still struggling a bit with not having a biological child. It is hard to believe that after 3 years of trying and treatments that this will really be our last try for a biological child.

Beta # 4 = Game Over

Beta #4 came in at only 34. The damn stork has tricked us again! Dr. M advised us to stop the PIO injections and let nature take its' course. I have already started bleeding so my HCG must have dropped pretty fast. Needless to say we are both emotionally and physically exhausted after this last week. There have been many mini-meltdowns over the last week, but I am still waiting for the big one to hit. It will probably be when I least expect it and at the most inopportune time. Right now we are both kind of numb. Our follow-up with Dr. M is tomorrow afternoon so hopefully he can give us some kind of insight as to why this happened. There probably isn't a really good answer, there is a lot the doctors still just don't know...especially when you fall into the "unexplained" category. This is SO not fair, as I am sure many of you know, and it just SUCKS! Next time that old stork gets close I think I will pluck out a few of his tail feathers and see how he likes getting messed with!

Still in beta HELL!

So here is the run-down so far:

Beta #1 (11dp3dt) - 12.4
Beta #2 (12dp3dt) - 18.1
Beta #3 (14dp3dt) - 27
Beta #4 - scheduled for Monday which will be 17dp3dt

Given the less than 60% increase between Beta #2 and Beta #3, it isn't looking good. In case I haven't already said this (which I am sure I have a million times) this just plain SUCKS. Damn stork!

Officially in beta Hell!

That damn stork is playing tricks on us again! I am officially in beta hell! My beta came back positive, but the level is only 12.4 so it isn't looking too good that this will be a viable pregnancy. So...I had already prepared myself for the negative after the HPT, but I had not prepared myself for this. They want me to come back tomorrow and see if the number is going up or down, so I guess I still in beta limbo (i.e. hell). Any positive thoughts or prayers you can spare would be greatly appreciated!!

Edited to add: I am currently 11dp3dt.

Back to reality

We had a wonderful mini-weekend getaway! The beach was chilly, but absolutely gorgeous. Of course we planned everything around the food we wanted to eat, but isn't that what you're supposed to do on vacation? Saturday lunch was at Dockside and it was yummy as ever. The best part of eating there are the bloody mary's which or course I couldn't partake in. I did sneak a couple of sips of Hunter's though. It was so nice to sit by the water and watch all the boats go by. As we both wondered, why do we live in Raleigh??? Most of Saturday afternoon we lounged around the condo are were complete bums! The condo had a great view of the ocean so it was very peaceful and relaxing. Saturday night we ate at the Oceanic. It was good, but not great. If I get a $25 filet mignon, I expect something pretty darn good and it was just so-so. I did break down and get a glass of wine. It was SOOO good. No judgements please. I know plenty of women who have gotten quite inebriated right before they found out they were knocked up and their children weren't born with an extra toe or anything funky like that! Sunday the plan was to head to Taste of Country. You know how it is when you just have yourself completely psyched up for something, so much so that you can already taste it?? Well we get there and it is CLOSED. Not just closed for the day, but closed altogether! What?! That place is a legend (IMO of course)!!! UGH! So we settled for Elijah's, which was good, but just not the same!! So all in all it was a great weekend and definitely needed to prepare me for the negative HPT that I got this morning. I pretty much expected as much given my lack of symptoms, but we were stilling hoping that those symptoms were wrong. WTF??? We thought we had a pretty good shot given the fact that we transferred 4 and one of those 4 was pretty much picture perfect. It isn't officially over until the Beta test tomorrow, but I am not really holding out too much hope. At this point it is just hard to hope only to be crushed again. Dr. M is probably going to tell us that although all of my tests have been normal, my eggs are crap and we should consider donor eggs. Of course that means at minimum another $3,000 out of pocket for a child that wouldn't be biologically mine, although it would be biologically Hunter's - how do you make that kind of decision??? I just want to be a mom and Hunter deserves to be a dad, is that too much to ask???

Recharging

Only 3 more days to go until the official beta test. Still not feeling any different than I have before so who knows. Hunter decided (with no help from me of course) that it would be a GREAT idea to take me down to the beach for a little relaxing and re-charging. It will be nice to get away from all things IF and just be a normal couple for the weekend. If this cycle turns out to be a bust we will be heading for our 3rd and final fresh IVF cycle. We didn't end up with any frosties this go round so I guess that really says something about my egg quality. Oh well, we can worry about that after our nice, relaxing weekend at the beach - a little salt air cures everything!

Officially in the 2ww slump!

Okay, so I stole this list from Carol @ http://whatifthis.blogspot.com/ , but it seemed fitting at this point in my 2ww and I wasn't feeling very creative on my own! Congratulations to Carol, she is officially PG and has conquered the mean IF monster!!

Typical early pregnancy symptoms:
Tender, swollen breasts or nipples – a little tender, but is most likely a side effect of the PIO
Darkening of the areola – no
Blue veins in breasts - of course there are, how can you be as pale as I am and not see blue veins? There aren't any more than usual though.
Fatigue – yep, but that is nothing new.
Sleeplessness – nope, still sleeping through the night.
Slight bleeding or spotting – nope.
Slight cramping – yep, started on Monday which was 3dp3dt, but I had cramping with my previous 2 cycles and we all know how they ended up.
Nausea with or without vomiting – nope.
Food aversions or cravings – i am picky, but no more than usual.
Changes in taste and smell – nope.
Heartburn or indigestion – nope.
Constipation – nope.
Frequent urination – yep, but once again this happened the last 2 times.
Headaches – I always seem to have a headache, but most likely from all the drugs.
Faintness/dizziness – a little dizziness last night, but was accompanied by a headache so who knows???
Mood swings – of course I don't think so, but Hunter would probably disagree with me. I could probably cry at the drop of a hat, or a wrong look, or just about anything else under the sun.
Increase in basal body temp – wouldn't know...

So there you have it, a whole lot of stuff that doesn't mean much at this point. I am trying very hard to stay positive but given the fact that my symptoms (or lack of) are pretty much the same as the last 2 times, I am finding it very hard. Luckily I have my Mind/Body class tonight which should help me get my emotions back in check (at least for a couple of days anyway). Anybody have any good ideas for major distractions??? Maybe Hunter should take me to the beach this weekend :-)

Aren't we cute?

And yes, I wore pearls to my transfer...

We have 4 safely on board!

The transfer went great today! We now have 4 embies safely at home. The babysitter was pretty pleased overall. They were all at the 8-cell stage this morning and there was one excellent, one great, and two so-so. We have 6 still growing that they will let grow until day 5 or 6 and see what they look like, they didn't seem very optimistic that we would have any to freeze though. The ones that are still growing are showing a lot more signs of fragmentation. The best one is the one that is with the picture of 3 and it is on the bottom left. Let the symptom obsessing being!

We still have 10!!

We got good news from the babysitter this morning, all 10 of our little embies have gone through the first replication process and are all 4-5 cells which is right where they are supposed to be! Whew - one hurdle down! We have 3 embies that are looking great and 7 that are beginning to show signs of fragmentation. I am a little bummed about the 7, but very grateful that we have 3 that are looking really good. Our ET is scheduled for tomorrow morning at 9. The "pee pee" dance will commence at approximately 8:45, anyone care to join in? There is a full moon tomorrow...